FEAR
by Lady Error
Summary: A sequel to my first fanfic ever: TEARS! When Owaru died, the mystery slowly revealed itself. What will happen to Suoh and Nokoru's relationship? The unanswered questions will be answered in this fic. Warning: SLASH! YAOI! Possible violence scenes.
1. If Only

**Chapter 1: If Only**

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* * *

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It had been a month after Imonoyama Owaru's – the eldest son of the Imonoyama clan – DEATH. The world suddenly seemed such a perfect wound for him…

If only there was a way to end all of these…

If only there was…

Suoh observed his Chairman from a distance. Ever since Owaru's funeral day, Nokoru had not spoken much to him and Akira. It was still fresh in his memory, how shocked the blonde man was when he discovered the bad news. And yet the worst not to come…

Just when the news reached the blonde, forgetting all the pain he was suffering by that time, Nokoru pulled all the IVs strings attached to his arms, jumped out of his bed, and rushed out from his room in the hospital to see it with his own eyes. He wanted to disbelieve the sight appeared in front of him….

But it was the fact…. A fact that no one including him could change...

Once again, before him laid the most beloved person he had ever had….

And there was nothing he could do about it….

Owaru died because of him….

That was for sure.

If only he didn't have to be in the hospital…. If only Owaru didn't have to come to see him or look after him….

He wouldn't die…

Owaru's death seemed to destroy everything he began to believe by that time….

His beliefs, his hope, and his future… Everything seemed to vanish along with his DEATH.

Nokoru was terribly shocked when he witnessed Owaru's dead body on the emergency bed. His blue eyes searched for help, but everywhere he threw his sight, there was no hopeful glare he could receive. All the gathering doctors and nurses bowed their heads deeply.

Why?

They were afraid….

Afraid to admit their failure to save such an important man on Earth….

He was terribly distressed… There was no way he could hold it any longer…. Nokoru pressed his nails deep under his silky blonde hair, and closed his sapphire eyes tightly…. Just in seconds, he started to scream, letting out all the burden, all the stress he had been carrying these times….

And Suoh was there…. Immediately he reached for his One, embraced him, and tried his best to take him away from the scene…. He was sure Nokoru couldn't stand more – after all that had happened to him recently….

He remembered the way Nokoru grabbed his arms tightly…. Nokoru did not say a word to him, but from his feared eyes, he could tell how desperate he wanted him to tell those sapphire eyes that none of this was really happening. That Suoh could make magic and turn back time to save Owaru from his unexpected death.

Doctors had to help him to calm Nokoru down as he kept on screaming and struggling. Only with the help of the drugs, they managed to take him back to his room. But the tragedy did not end there. In the funeral…. No one attended it. Only him, Akira and of course….. the hurt Nokoru. The rest of the Imonoyamas did not show up. Nokoru's father and mother did show up in the hospital to pay their last respect and love to their second son, but that was all. They even refused to see their youngest son, even though he was just couples of rooms away for the place they put Owaru's body. The rest of the Imonoyamas were warned not to attend the funeral, since the murder might happen again. Nokoru was warned too, but he refused to obey it. He kept insisting and kept telling everyone that he was the one who responsible for everything that had happened to Owaru. He had to be there to bid his brother good bye... even for seconds only... Of all the people on this world, he was the one who had to be there... He didn't even care if it would cost him his own life...

* * *

Nokoru stood in silence facing his brother's grave. He was dressed in black, a colour he rarely used as an outfit. He could hear the priest say his closing prayer. He could sight his bodyguards begin to carry his brother's coffin, and he was still not moving when they planted it in the open ground. But when they began to cover the grave with the soil, Nokoru broke down.

Instantly he dropped the bucket of flowers he had been holding, knelt down as if he himself was ready to jump and get buried as well. If not for Suoh's trained instinct and skill, he would not be able to grab Nokoru in time stopping him to throw himself into the grave.

No matter how hard Nokoru hit him and kicked him, Suoh didn't let go of him. Not even an inch Nokoru could get away from his embrace. Nokoru let a terrible long scream that deafened million of ears, but not Suoh's. He was there, he was not moving away and kept on whispering in his One's ear, trying to make him understand that he must let go of his brother. Suoh would stay there as he always would.

* * *

The whole month later, he spent not an inch less from Nokoru…. He was damned afraid his One would commit suicide. He had done all the prevention necessary…. He had checked all Nokoru's belonging time and again. He made sure no weapon or drug could be found nearby Nokoru….

Not even a single pin….

Everyone might think he was being over paranoid….

But he just didn't want the nearly-die-experience happened again for the second time. Not to Nokoru – his dear Nokoru…. The hurt Nokoru…

He knew Nokoru too well… All that had happened, Nokoru would assume it as his fault – that he was the one to be blamed….

If only NOTHING happened….

If only….

Suoh was being awakened from his thoughts when a slight hand placed on his right shoulder. He looked above to have a better sight of the hand's owner. It was Nokoru who he was thinking about yet he didn't realize the man had approached him quietly….

He was startled, and jumped out from his seat. 'No- Nokoru? What happen? Do you need something?'

He gave him a weak smile. 'I'm sorry to bother you… But I believe I have done all my works here.' He paused; his blue eyes shined tiredness. 'May I go home now?'

'S-Sure…. I will take you home…. Wait…. I get the driver to pick us….'

Before he could finish his words, Nokoru stopped him. 'Please. I want to be alone.'

Suoh looked at him disbelieving what he had just heard.

'I'm sorry…. But can I go home by myself?' He repeated his request; unsure Suoh was getting his point.

He was confused. 'But… But you can't do that…. It was too dangerous…. I can't let you to do that, after all that -' He paused, realizing it was a bad idea to make Nokoru recall the unpleasant memory. 'I have to go with you.'

Nokoru sighed. He knew he had no choice except to follow Suoh's 'order'. Quite funny actually…. He was the 'master' who had to follow the order from his 'bodyguard'….

He looked away, intending to hide his disappointment.

'Nokoru….' Suoh was very worried of Nokoru's respond. In normal situation, Nokoru would disagree and would give lots of excuses if he didn't want to follow his advice. But now, he acted totally different. And he was not sure what he had to face next….

'Fine, then. I'll go with you…' There was a slight answer from him. But it was obvious he was forced to agree.

'I know you think I'm too much. But I just worry about you….'

'No…' Nokoru shook his head. 'I understand. It's fine. Thank you for your attention.' He returned to his chair, and took few more papers to read while they had to wait for the car to come.

And…. that was it. No more sentence came out from Nokoru for the rest of the day. Suoh thought step by step he was turning into a 'living zombie'. Nokoru would sit if he was ordered to, stand, or even to go to sleep. Like a robot…. Waiting for command to be input….

He ate only a little food. Didn't mean he ate a lot before…. But nowadays, Nokoru seemed to lose his temptation to eat…. Or to Suoh's greatest fear… to **LIVE**.

Day after day, there was no significant change happened to Nokoru's behavior. On the contrary, his work performance was increasing. No more delayed paper work in the Council boardroom, and that went well with the Electronic Engineering Department as well. Before ones' ordinary's eyes, he was doing well after his brother's death. That finally he was able to accept his death. But that was not the fact!

If only they knew…

* * *

Nokoru entered his mansion. There was no big difference in it. Before, and after Owaru's death…. Cold in its elegancy, and calm as in the graveyard. But still he could sense something was missing…. He was standing in front of the main door, waiting for Suoh who was commanding the driver to put away the car. Tonight, Suoh would spend the night here again, just like the night before, and the night before…. It was obvious Suoh was paranoid to leave him alone. It was not he disliked being nearby his bodyguard - he loved him anyway. But there was time he wanted to be alone, all by his own.

Suoh would follow him everywhere he went, even to the bathroom if he permitted him to do so.

'I have told the driver to stand by here tonight, in case you have something urgent to do, and need to use the car…' Suoh approached him, ready to enter the mansion together with him.

Nokoru smiled. 'Do you think I would go somewhere later? It is already night time, Suoh.'

Suoh blushed. Yes…. He really didn't realize it. Being beside Nokoru everyday and every time, day and night seemed had no big difference for him nowadays. 'Sorry…. Should I ask him to leave then?' He put out his hand phone, and began to dial a number.

Nokoru slightly shook his head. 'Doesn't matter… He could stay here. We had a place behind the mansion for him to sleepover.'

The door opened. The old governess of the Imonoyama family greeted them with full respect. 'Welcome, Nokoru-sama… Takamura-sama….'

'Thank you.' Nokoru replied him, and he entered the mansion followed by Suoh.

Both of the men didn't say anything as they were walking towards Nokoru's bedroom. To Suoh, he had become familiar with the mansion. He memorized all the rooms inside it, the family's room, personal bedroom (even for the maids'), the kitchens, and even the toilets. He memorized every detailed perfectly. The furniture, the paintings, the windows, and moreover… he even was able to memorize the number of footsteps required to get from one room to another room.

As they reached the bedroom, carefully Nokoru opened the door, and walked towards his working desk, leaving Suoh behind to close it. He opened his laptop, and started to check all emails he newly received since the morning he left it.

It had been his routines every day. Suoh was a little worry about his health condition, since Nokoru was becoming a workaholic person recently. Over workaholic. He realized his master's action was escapism, and he could not stop it. Somehow Suoh thought it would be better for Nokoru to think of something else other than…

'Would you like me to get you any food? I believe you should have your dinner before you start working again…'

There was no immediate answer from Nokoru. He was busy reading the mails coming out from the laptop.

'Nokoru?'

The blonde stopped reading. Slowly he shook his head, without even glancing to his bodyguard, refusing the kind offer from him. 'No… Thank you…. I don't feel I can eat now…'

Suoh started to come closer to his desk. He could see clearly in those blue sapphire eyes the loneliness and the… hurt. There was no more shine coming out from those eyes. Yes… it had been quite a long time he never see his beautiful smiles, or hear his laughter.

If only he could bring back those moments….

He would do anything….

If only….

'But you got to eat…'

Suoh observed him; he had prepared himself for an argument Nokoru might put out. He knew him very well, if Nokoru was determined for something, he would do anything to have it done in his way…

The blue eyes replied the worried golden eyes' look. But it only lasted seconds, and then those eyes looked away again. Suoh wanted so much to hold his angelic face in order to keep those eyes look at him. But beyond his prediction, Nokoru gently nodded his head.

'I will eat then…' He answered shortly.

Suoh began to think he didn't understand him anymore. But he realized this was not the perfect time to question his One's behavior. He walked away from the desk, opened the door, and closed it leaving Nokoru alone in his room.

Nokoru sighed seeing his bodyguard left. He slowly got up from his chair. He could feel the pain in his ribs caused by his own sister. Hajime was in the medical treatment now. She was not allowed to go anywhere, and meet anyone, even her own family. Obviously she lived like in the jail now. Or may be in the hell…. She was definitely alone now.

All Imonoyamas were born to be alone….

He knew it. They knew it.

Feeling the pain in his body, Nokoru went to his bed to have his body rested. He sat on it thinking whether he would go straight to sleep…. That if he could have a sleep.

_/May be I just go straight to bed, skipping the dinner…/_

But just he was about to lay down his body, someone knocked at his door.

'Yes…. Please come in….' _/Surely it was not Suoh…. But he's just gone few minutes ago…/_

The door was opened. A young man appeared in shadow. From his athletic gestures compiled with the elegant footsteps, obviously he was an Imonoyama. If truth to be told, Nokoru didn't expect one of his brothers would pay him a visit, at least not now. After all that had happened…

And…

Not because he didn't want to see them…

If only…

He just scared.

He was afraid to face them. It was his fault that Owaru died. And the same thing happened to Douku… And even Hajime blamed him. He just didn't want any other Imonoyama to come and put the blame on his face. He knew…

It was all because of his fault….

If only…

If only he had power to prevent it…

'Nokoru-san?' A gentle voice called him.

The voice seemed to bring him back from his wandering thoughts. And he had to reply the voice, though he wished he could remain silent.

'Yes…. Come in, please…. Amaru-san…' He called the man's name. He felt a little bit strange to call the name for he couldn't remember the last time he called the name. It had been a long time before….

Amaru and him had never been closed. Or we could say, they hardly met each other. Even though Amaru's age was not far different with his, but they had a low interaction. They had never spoken each other, even having a communication through telephones.

Amaru considered himself as the family's 'failure'. If other members of the clan had an extraordinary talent or intelligence, Amaru didn't possess either of those. He was just an 'ordinary' person in the family. Didn't mean he was brainless, in fact, his intelligence was over average compared to common people – after all he was an Imonoyama.

Nokoru felt he would never understand Amaru. This brother of his had never possessed any company in the family. Even tough Amaru had a strong financial – he would be supported by the other Imonoyamas – but he had never interested in building his own business.

Nokoru realized one significant thing being an Imonoyama. Even though they were siblings, and they loved and supported each other, the sense of competition was still going on among them. Not that they wanted to defeat each other, it just liked a self-actualization for each person. A need to be stated as a successful member…. Even him…. He was motivated to be one of the best in the clan. To make his family proud of him…

So he could be proud of himself…

The last news he received about Amaru that his brother loved to travel around the world. What did he do for living? Although he had no certain profession, it was obvious Amaru was the only member of the family who had an excellent self-defense skill. Not as good as Suoh's….

Nokoru smiled. Too bad Suoh was away…. Otherwise he might see both of the men discussing their skills, or even showing it up….

Somehow, Nokoru admired Amaru very much. He had no burden, no damn responsibility to be carried all the time…. and the most important of all, he was happy with his life. Traveling around the world, witnessed all the beauty of different place, experience the excitements, and enjoyed his life….

Enjoyed the life….

One thing he could never do…. At least not in this life….

Amaru loved to collect antiques. Most of antiques the Imonoyama possessed in the mansion came from his discovery. He was a trader as well…. Amaru had a good sense of choice. He just knew which artifacts would be valuable and worth to keep, and he had that adventure spirit, he would go into dangerous places just to search for an antique.

Since he liked to travel a lot, he had a little chance to communicate with his family. And it went the other way around as well. His family never knew where he was by the moment….

And here he was….

Standing before him…. didn't know what to say each other…. Just silence.

'I'm sorry to bother you this late… I understand you're busy…'

Nokoru smiled. 'It's alright. I was just about to give myself a rest…'

'Oh…' Instantly, Amaru realized it was not the right moment to come, and that he should leave right away. 'May be it's better I leave you then… You need to take a rest…'

Nokoru stood up from his bed right away, ignoring the pain biting him from his wound. 'No….' He was about to approach the man, but the pain forced him to stop his footsteps. He wanted to cover it up, but it was useless then. He didn't want anyone to worry about him.

Amaru had seen everything; he could tell from Nokoru's face that his brother was suffering a great pain at the moment. The man immediately came to help him, and seated him back on the bed.

'You shouldn't move a lot…'

'I'm fine… It just sometimes the pain….' Nokoru smirked. He tried to change the topic. 'How are you lately?'

Amaru looked at the blue eyes before him. He himself didn't posses such blue eyes…. Unlike Nokoru's, his eyes were gray…. And their hair was not the same at all. Amaru received his heredity from the mother. His hair was as green as his mother's…. he was just a little bit taller than Nokoru. They were brothers, yet there were so many differences between them…. Not only physically different, but also emotionally. Amaru didn't remember any memory he spent with Nokoru. For he was always busy looking for something new… which sometimes he regretted it.

He never paid enough attention to his family. He was very young by the time the first death of the family member occurred. He knew he lost something, but then he knew he owned nothing. Douku didn't love him as much as he loved Nokoru. At least that was the way he felt. Sometimes he felt it was unfair. But he understood why everyone seemed to love his brother more than him.

The beloved Nokoru… so fragile… so beautiful… yet so hurt.

Now, someone else died, following the first death. Again, he felt so guilty. But not because he couldn't do anything to prevent it to happen… or he couldn't help…. But it was because he didn't feel sad at all…. He didn't feel he lost something. He was not sad on the day Douku's death, so it was the same thing with Owaru's death.

_He knew he lost something, but then he also knew he owned nothing._

Why you had to feel sad losing something, if you'd realized you never had anything?

That was one of the reasons Amaru considered himself as the 'failure' of the family….

He was the 'poorest' member of the family….

For he owned nothing….

'Well…. You know me, I'm always fine.' He gave Nokoru his big smile. 'How about you?' He looked at him worriedly. 'You're not looking good at all…'

'Why do you think I am?'

'It was clear in anyone's eyes you look so tired…. Especially all that have happened to you.'

Nokoru shook his head. 'I'm fine. I'm just… fine.' There was a tremble voice in his words. He couldn't bear it any much longer. He could lie to anyone else. To Suoh, to Akira, or anyone… but not to his family… Deep inside his heart he loved them very much. All he wanted to do now was crying and let everything he kept in his heart out. But he felt so ashamed. He knew the rule…

Imonoyama should not cry…

Owaru said that… before… before…

But he just couldn't stand it. Tears began to sting his blue eyes. He covered his face immediately with his shaking hands. His body began to quiver as if the air surround him was freezing.

Amaru felt a pity on him. He believed Nokoru was more mature than he was. After all the suffering he had been through…. He wished he could help, even only a little bit…

Amaru put his arm around Nokoru's shoulders, and pulled him into his embrace. He could feel the man's warmth body, the trembling, and he could feel his tears wet his coat. But he remained silence. He knew he didn't need any advice, any soothing words now. He only needed a shoulder to cry on. He gave what he wanted….

'It's alright. You may cry as loud as you want…. I understand….' That was all he could say. And Nokoru was crying even louder. Amaru closed his eyes. Even though he had never been closed to him before, but still he couldn't stand watching his little brother acting like this.

If only….

If only there was something he could do to ease his pain. But he knew there was nothing.

'He shouldn't die…. It was all because of my fault….'

'You shouldn't say that…. It was not you who decide his fate…. May be it is God's way….' Amaru whispered. He traveled a lot, he had seen so many tragedies and horror, but he had witnessed many miracles as well. He knew very well, that what LIFE was. People might lose someone, but that what LIFE was. Amaru smiled. He suddenly got an idea of how to stop Nokoru's crying. 'You know what? I came here to tell you my secret…."

Hearing the word 'secret', Nokoru slowly let go of his embrace and wipe away his tear to have a clearer look at his brother's face. 'Secret?'

Amaru nodded. 'But I told you only…. The rest of the family…. Well…. I'll tell them eventually, but not now….'

Nokoru's eyes widened. Knowing some "weird" facts about this brother of his, he couldn't predict what his brother would tell him about.

'You are curious, aren't you?' He smiled wider. Obviously, he had his brother's attention now. 'Now, don't give me that look! It's not about something bad….'

The blonde man instantly replied, 'I'm sorry, I was only surprised… I….'

Amaru laughed. 'Don't worry, I'm not mad at you….'

For a moment later, they remained silent and waited for other to speak first. Finally, Nokoru spoke up, 'So? What is it about? Are you going away to someplace again this time?'

Amaru shook his head, yet still remained in silence. His wide smile only made more mysteries for Nokoru. But eventually, he didn't stand anymore to reveal the 'secret' he was about to deliver to his curious brother.

'I'm getting married!'

Nokoru widened his blue eyes in surprise. 'What?' His mouth was opened unintentionally. 'Really? But who? When? Where…'

'Wait… Wait…Wait…. One question at a time, please. You don't expect me to be able to answer all the questions at once, right?' He grinned.

For the first time after 'that' happened, Nokoru felt he could smile again. It was such a joy to know one of his family was going to start a new life with someone he loved soon. 'So…. Who is this lucky lady? Where did you find her?'

'We met in France. But she is a Japanese. She was born there. She went back to Japan to study. Now she is an artist. She plays in many movies, well…. You probably had heard about her, she was quite famous in…'

'Is she Yukira Tamaki?' This time, it was Amaru's mouth opened unintentionally. He didn't expect Nokoru could guess it right in the first try.

'And tell me how you know that?' Amaru asked in curiousity now.

Nokoru giggled to see his brother's reaction. 'It's a long story….' Knowing he was a living 'database' of females, of course, he wouldn't miss one or two famous female, especially if that female was a Japanese and she went to CLAMP Campus before. Yukira Tamaki went to school here and after graduated, she went to Paris and started her debut as performers. Knowing Amaru liked all things related to art, it was possible they met each other in a performance or two.

Amaru shook his head in disbelief, he heard the rumours of how genius his brother was, perhaps, the most intelligent of them all, but being able to memorize all the female students' names in that gigantic campus? That was rather…. Impossible. But now, he had proved it.

'So when are you planning to have the wedding?' Nokoru asked again.

'Well…. Our relationship is strong, and I believe she is the one for me…. But, may be not in the recent days…. Not after what had happened to our family….'

Nokoru's excited look slowly disappeared, replaced by a sad look in his eyes. 'I'm sorry….'

Amaru instantly realized what he had done. He knew Nokoru must have found other reason to blame himself. And he didn't want it…. 'Look, Nokoru…. I…. There are other reasons why I can't marry her yet…. I…. I…. truthfully, I haven't told her who I am the really is.'

Nokoru looked puzzled. 'But, you said you've built a strong relationship with her…. How come she doesn't know who you are by now?'

'She knows I am Amaru. She just doesn't know I am an Imonoyama.' Amaru paused. 'I just don't want her to choose me because I am an Imonoyama. I don't want her to choose me because I'm rich, or super wealthy, or have so many famous brothers or sisters…. I want her to choose me for who I am.'

'And now? Are you sure she chose you for who you are?'

Amaru smiled. 'Yes, I am. I will propose her soon, and I'll take her here to meet all of the family….. Well, you perhaps have already met her anyway….'

Nokoru's smile was back in its place. 'But I'm more than happy to meet her again as your future wife.'

Amaru blushed. And it was just the right time for Suoh to return from the kitchen with some dinner on the tray he carried. Suoh was surprised to see Nokoru was not alone.

'Ah… I'm sorry…. I didn't know Nokoru-sama has a company. Perhaps, I'll come back later….'

Amaru quickly stood up from his seat and called him, 'No… It's fine. I'm about to leave, anyway. Nokoru needs his dinner and rest, instead of chatting with me all the night.' He glanced back at Nokoru and smiled. 'Catch up with you later, my brother.'

Nokoru smiled in return. 'Looking forward to it, then.'

Suoh bowed to Amaru as the man passed him leaving the two behind. Nokoru watched him until he could not hear his footsteps outside the room anymore. But little that Suoh knew, something that Amaru said that night, was kept in Nokoru's mind that night.

Nokoru ate his dinner in silent. After all that happened to him, he still remembered what Suoh did to him that day. He remembered his first kiss…. And what Amaru told him put his memory back in place…. About who he loved. He knew Suoh never brought the topic anymore, due to the tragic situation. But sometimes, when things got so bad, when he was really alone on his own, he would think of him. Yet, he was not sure of how he felt about him.

Questions he was afraid to ask was exactly what Amaru was afraid of too about his love. Would he still love me if I were not an Imonoyama?

_/'I just don't want her to choose me because I am an Imonoyama. I don't want her to choose me because I'm rich, or super wealthy, or have so many famous brothers or sisters…. I want her to choose me for who I am.'/_

The thought was swirling in his mind till late of night. Till he thanked Suoh for looking after him, till he bid him a good night and see-you-tomorrow…. Nokoru couldn't close his eyes in peace.

But at least it gave him something else to think about, other than Owaru's tragic death.

* * *

Back in the Campus, in his cold big office, Nokoru started his usual morning alone. Suoh was not there. This morning, he was scheduled to give an annual presentation to the whole campus staffs and usually it would take hours to deliver. He did not mind working without Suoh's presence. Somehow he had got used of it. While his mind was concentrating on the terms and conditions written on the contract papers he was about to sign….. a knock was heard on the boardroom's door.

'Yes?'

A young female – the receptionist popped her head in. 'Excuse me, Chairman, there is a guest here who would like to meet you. He told me that he was an old friend of yours.'

Nokoru narrowed his eyebrows. An old friend of his? None he could think of. 'What's his name?'

"HE said if you meet him in person, you'll find out.'

Nokoru got suspicious, but he was more than aware if this man was really dangerous, he might endanger his receptionist's life as well, if he didn't allow him to enter the office and meet him. Nokoru slowly opened his drawer. Suoh always told him to be cautious and prepared him a gun in the drawer in case he needed it. He ensure the gun was still there, if he needed to use it.

'Fine. Let him in.' Nokoru gave his sign of approval.

The woman nodded and disappeared. Seconds later, another knock sounded.

'Come in, please.' Nokoru answered with his hand on the gun. Had he turned himself as paranoid as Suoh now?

The door was widely opened, and a tall figure entered the room. Nokoru could not have a clear sight of who he was, until he began to step closer. When he was in the clear range, Nokoru gasped in surprise. He quickly withdrew his grip from the gun, stood up and ran towards the man.

'Idomu! How have you been?' He embraced the man and beamed.

Yudaiji Idomu was back.

* * *

**To be continued.**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I'm back... (Not only Yudaiji it seems...) hahahaha... It has been so long, I haven't written anything... Well as usual, I don't where the story will go, smells trouble whenever I involve Idomu character. (SOrry, Yudaiji-san), but I stick to my genre, drama and angst. Hopefully you'll enjoy this fic as much as I enjoy writing it. Please review if you have time. I appreciate all the review.

**Disclaimer: As usual  
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	2. Envy

**Chapter 2: Envy**

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* * *

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Suoh sat on the panel table impatiently. He knew he had to attend this annual presentation as it was part of his responsibility to the position he held in the Campus, but no matter how he tried to concentrate, his mind kept coming back to his 'One'. He couldn't leave him alone without having to think about him all the time, could he? Minutes by minutes passed by, Suoh tried his best to gave his speech, answer the audience's questions and make some notes he needed. He thanked God when the meeting was finished on time. He hurriedly packed his things up, and politely asked permission to leave the place.

* * *

_***** The Chairman Boardroom *****_

Nokoru handed over a cup of tea to his unexpected guest, Yudaiji Idomu. 'You didn't tell me you're coming to Japan? What brought you here?'

Idomu smiled and took the cup. 'Before I told you why, I got to thank you for this cup of tea. Perhaps, I'm the luckiest person on Earth being able to taste a tea made by yourself, the Chairman of CLAMP Campus.'

Nokoru blushed. "You're over exaggerating. It's nothing really. I get used to making tea myself. I can't always depend on Suoh or Akira to get what I need all the time. I must learn to be independent.'

'Making tea makes you feel a bit more independent?'

'Why do I feel it is more to an insult than a compliment, the words of yours?'

Idomu instantly laughed to hear Nokoru's reply. 'Take it easy. You know I had a hobby teasing you whenever I got a chance.'

Nokoru smiled. 'I know. I get used to your sarcastic comments.'

'Oh… Now you're the one who over exaggerating my comments.' Idomu grinned.

'So…' Sipping a cup of tea himself, Nokoru joined Idomu sitting on the couch. 'What brought you here?'

Idomu slowly place his cup on the table in front of him, and looked at Nokoru intensely. 'YOU.'

'Me?' The blonde widened his eyes. 'What do you mean?'

'Nokoru….. I heard what happened to your family. What makes me surprised you didn't even bother to call me to tell me what's going on.'

Instantly, Idomu's words made the blonde's smile fade away. Idomu could tell Nokoru feel uncomfortable with the things he just told him. But he had to say it, and he had to admit, he was terribly disappointed of it. He considered himself as one of Nokoru's closest friends, but many times when Nokoru was in danger or any bad situation, the blonde would never ask him for help. He knew he left Japan right after he graduated from the Primary School, but he had always kept contact with Nokoru by emails or online chatting. But Nokoru had always told him about positive things as if there were no trouble ever happened in his life. He knew he shouldn't believe all the things Nokoru said, however he couldn't stop hoping Nokoru would eventually be open with him. Why wouldn't Nokoru trust him more in personal matters?

Moments went later in silence. Idomu patiently observed Nokoru as the blonde tried to divert his eyes to somewhere else…. Else than having to reply Idomu's intense look on him.

'Nokoru….' He called the name again, hoping he could make the person he addressed pay attention to him again, 'I am sorry if I offend you…. but I can't stop thinking that you don't consider me as one of your friends.'

Still Nokoru was silent.

'After 'something' big happened to you and your family, how could you still…. I mean…. You keep quiet and tell me nothing? Why do I have to know things like this happening from other people other than you? I always thought that we're friends, and I hope at least you would be open to me.'

Nokoru squeezed his hands, but he still didn't say anything in response.

Idomu sighed. 'To tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what I had to say to you. I don't even know how to feel right now. I am sorry for what happen to you, I can feel your sadness and lost, and you don't know how deep my condolence is towards you and your family. But on the other hand, I do feel angry as well. No….. More to disappointed. I…. I….. really don't know what to say….'

He paused, waiting for his friend's reaction. But Nokoru kept quiet.

Idomu gave another long sigh as he continued. 'Fine. I guess I've told you everything I got to say. Since you don't have anything to say to me in return, it's best for me to leave now. I don't want to take your time longer. I know you're very busy at this moment. I believe there's a lot you need to take care of.'

Idomu stood up from his seat and got ready to leave Nokoru behind. But he was stopped.

'Idomu, please don't go….'

He turned around to have a look at the person who addressed him. He could sight Nokoru's eyes were blurred with tears, tears he knew the blonde tried not to shed. But that was exactly what he hated about Nokoru the most. Nokoru always tried to conceal all his feelings from others, as if perfection was everything for him. Was it because he was an Imonoyama?

Nokoru rose from his seat and grabbed his hand. Idomu could feel his hands were cold as ice. In seconds, he felt sorry for him. He knew Nokoru's hold a burden in his heart, but he disliked the fact that Nokoru tried to keep the entire burden to himself. When would he learn?

'I am sorry for keeping what had happened from you…. I'm sorry I didn't inform you, but please understand, I don't have the intention to distrusting you. I do consider you as my friend, but…. It's just….. it's just….. it's just too much for me lately….' Nokoru couldn't finish his words, instead he was sobbing.

Idomu's gaze softened. He knew he would see this. The fragile Nokoru would stay the same. He took him into his embrace, stroked his soft hair and whispered to his ears. 'It's fine, I understand. Just cry as much as you want. You don't need to hide anything. It is not something to be ashamed of.'

'No…. I shouldn't be crying like this. I…. I am not a child anymore.'

'No one told me that a man may not cry. You are hurt, Nokoru. You have the right to cry out.' He tightened his embrace. 'Now, say nothing and go on crying.'

Idomu's last sentence somehow made Nokoru wanted to chuckle. Slowly he loosened his hug from the taller man. Wiping his tears away, he slowly smiled again. 'Silly…. Who do you think I am? Telling me to continue crying?'

'The Chairman?' Idomu answered directly.

Seeing Idomu's funny expression, Nokoru couldn't help himself to laugh at him. It had been a while he didn't laugh out like that. The world somehow had turned into a darker place before and it was hard for him to see the beauty in life. He was aware that he laughed rarely nowadays.

And it was not only him who was aware of that. Suoh was also. He was quite surprised to see Nokoru was laughing at the moment. He almost forgot when the last time he heard him laughing. As he entered the boardroom, he could sight there was someone else in the room beside his One….. And that was no other than Yudaiji Idomu. His lifetime rival.

Suoh couldn't help himself not to glare at that person. It had always been his weakness, when he disliked a person, he would instantly show it. Nokoru had told him many times, not to show his dislike frankly as it would offend someone and cause a conflict. But had anyone told him that he was stubborn as well?

'Ehm!' Suoh purposely coughed a little to get everyone's attention to him.

As expected, both men's eyes were on him now.

'I didn't expect a guest would come today.' Suoh opened the conversation. Idomu could feel his cold and firm tones. He knew that ninja would never like his presence nearby his One. 'And I didn't expect both of you holding hands as if you're kindergartens again.'

Nokoru and Idomu instantly realized they had been holding hands since then. Nokoru blushed immediately and released his grab. 'I'm sorry…. I…. I had to get back to work.' Nokoru found his excuse almost at once.

Idomu smiled awkwardly. 'I understand. I'm sorry I came by without informing you, Takamura-kun.'

Suoh seemed to ignore his explanation as he walked to his desk and made some preparation to get back to work.

Nokoru secretly looked at Idomu's eyes signing that this was time for him to leave.

Understanding his sign, Idomu nodded. 'I'm sorry I need to go somewhere else. Will meet you again sometime, Nokoru-san.'

'I understand. Nice seeing you again, Idomu-san.' Nokoru bowed to him politely as the man returned his bow. Nokoru escorted him to the door and just before he closed it, Idomu bid him another farewell.

'Promise me, we'll meet again?' He asked.

Nokoru gave me a smile and nodded.

'Do you keep my number?'

The blonde nodded for the second time assuring he had it.

'Fine then.' Satisfied with the answer, he waved good bye to him for the last time.

Nokoru closed the door and when he was walking back to his desk, a sudden grab stopped him. Suoh caught his arm right by the time he passed the secretary's desk. Nokoru was startled.

'Can you tell me what you were doing with him just now?' Suoh asked sharply. There was a dislike tone in his voice.

Nokoru looked at him in puzzled. 'What do you mean? He just paid me a visit.'

'A visit?'

'Yes. He just wants to say his condolence to me. That's all.'

'But holding your hands like that?'

Nokoru sighed._ /So it's going there./ _'Yes. Just like you are, holding my arm now.'

Suoh was surprised. He let go of his grip at once. 'I'm sorry. I just….'

'There's nothing going on between us. He's just heard the news and returned to Japan just to let me know that he's sorry. Now, can I go to work?'

Suoh was silent.

Didn't feel he need to know Suoh's answer, Nokoru continued walking to his desk. But he was stopped again.

'Look, Chairman, I'm just worried about you. I don't mean to offend you, but I just want to be more cautious with the people around you.'

'I don't understand, Suoh. Does this mean you have to be suspicious to all of my friends?'

'If you say so…. Yes. I do. I just need to be aware.'

Nokoru was upset to hear Suoh's answer. 'Well…. In case of that, you don't need to be worried. I don't have a lot of friends. I don't even know I still have one or not.'

Suoh could feel the intense growing. 'Chairman, forgive me if I offend you. I just need to be sure that no one can harm you.'

'Harm me? Thanks to you, no one can harm me that easily. Too bad, it didn't go the same way with my brother.'

Suoh rapidly rose from his seat and approached him. He grabbed Nokoru's arm again, but it was tighter this time. 'What did you say? What do you mean?'

'Look, Suoh, I'm tired. Can we just drop this? I really have a lot of things to do.'

'No! You will not do anything, unless you explain to me what do you mean with your words just now? Are you blaming me for everything that had happened to you and your family? Are you thinking that I'm not capable to protect you?'

If truth to be spoken, Nokoru felt enough already. Having Suoh always commanding him everything he needed to do or everywhere he needed to go, slowly but sure, made him sick already. But again and again, he kept telling himself that all Suoh had done was for his own good. So he tried his best to obey him.

'Listen, I didn't say that. I'm just tired, Suoh. I didn't have enough sleep last night. If you feel I'm insulting or doubting your capability, I apologize. Really.'

Suoh didn't let go of his arm at once. He took a deep look into the blonde's blue eyes, trying to figure whether there was a lie there. But he found any. 'Chairman, tell me honestly. What am I to you?'

Nokoru was surprised. _/Oh, no. He's going to ask me that again./_

'Am I simply a bodyguard to you? Someone who is responsible for your safety? Or do you consider me someone else as well?'

Nokoru didn't answer the question right away. The fact that Nokoru didn't answer his question in an instant, somehow grew a disappointment in Suoh's heart. Why did Nokoru take time to think for an answer? Why couldn't he answer it right away?

'Honestly, Suoh….. I don't know.'

His answer was like a thunderclap in the middle of a sunny day. Suoh was shocked to hear it. 'What?'

Nokoru slowly held Suoh's grasp on his arm and loosened it. 'I don't know. I am not sure myself.'

'Fine. Then may be I need to simplify my question. How do you feel about me then?'

Nokoru shook his head slowly. 'I don't know too. Please don't ask me that question.'

Suoh was getting frustrated. He felt he wanted to be angry at that moment. 'It's just a simple question. And you don't have to think for an answer. Do you like me? Hate? Or?' /Anything./ Suoh was desperate to have an answer. But deep inside his heart, Suoh was worried. What if Nokoru said he didn't feel the way he felt for him? Would he still stay like this and willingly protect him with his life if Nokoru told him that he loved someone else – not him?

Nokoru kept on shaking his head. 'I really have no time for this. I'm sorry, Suoh.'

'No time?' Suoh couldn't help his voice rising towards the poor blonde. 'You have no time to discuss my feeling, but you have time to talk to your friend, Yudaiji Idomu? What makes him so different with me? He didn't see you everyday. I spend more time with you day and night, and yet you don't have time to talk to me?' Suoh couldn't hold his rage anymore. 'What's wrong with you? Or perhaps, I'm the one who is wrong. I'm wrong to FALL IN LOVE with you.' That's it. Suoh confessed his love to him again. Something Nokoru really didn't want to happen.

Nokoru bit his lips. He wanted to say something in return, but he didn't feel it right.

'Now, you're angry with me.' He continued. 'Just because I questioned you about your friend. Even if you don't feel the way as I do, but at least I want you to respect our friendship. Respect what I've been trying to do all this time. Can't you even do that to me? Do I ask you too much?'

'I do, Suoh. I appreciate everything you do for me all these years. What else do you want from me?' Nokoru was so distressed with what Suoh told him that his tears began to flow down on his cheeks.

Suoh was startled. He didn't expect Nokoru would be in tears.

'Fine. If you want it…. I will do it. I will have SEX with you if it makes you happy.'

'What?' Suoh was so shocked to hear it. 'What are you saying? I never mean that!'

'But you want it, don't you? The way you treat me. The way you kissed me that day. I was terrified, I was scared, but you don't understand it, do you? It was terrifying for me to be in that situation. You…. as if you were going to RAPE me. You! Of all the people I know. Why it has to be YOU who treat me like that? You were the only friend I trust, but you did that to me. Now I don't know whether I can trust you or not. I don't even know whether I am safe or not being beside you. Now, do you really need to know how I feel about you? I'm SCARED of you.'

Suoh really didn't know what to do or say anymore now. Nokoru's answer made him terribly shock.

'I know you're doing your best to protect me. I know! I try my best to obey your want also. Cause I don't want to lose anyone else. Not my family, not my friends, and definitely not YOU! But somehow, why everything I did was wrong? What else do you want from me?' Nokoru knew very well he was tired crying. But he couldn't stop his tears again, could he?

'Look…. I….' Suoh was at loss of word. He pulled Nokoru closer in order to give him a hug, to settle him down. But Nokoru refused it as he pushed the man away.

'Don't touch me. Don't even get too near with me.' Nokoru's command broke Suoh's heart into pieces. Nokoru took a step further from him and quickly dried his tears away. 'You know what? I need a break. I'm going out for a dinner with my friend, and I don't want you to follow me.'

'What? Nokoru…. I can't let you do that! I have to be with you….'

'NO! I don't want you to follow me.' He stepped back to his desk and took out his cell phone and dialed a number. Suoh could only stand on his place as if he didn't have any power to stop him anymore. He could only listen to the conversation by phone from a distance.

'Yes…. Idomu….. Do you have time for dinner tonight? Fine. Seven is fine. Thank you, see you later.' It was short, but it was more than enough to tell Suoh who he was meeting with, and it displeased Suoh very much.

'You're going out with him? Are you out of your mind? He's –'

'He's one of my friend, and yes, I'm going out with him.'

'He put you in danger once, if you still remember it.'

'I don't care.' And that's it. End of the conversation.

Nokoru quickly took his seat, opened his files and buried himself under his business. Suoh understood no matter how hard he tried to stop him from going would be no use. But deep in his heart, he felt hurt. Hurt with the fact Nokoru was having a date with his rival or the fact that Nokoru was scared of him due to his harsh action, he didn't understand.

* * *

**To be continued.**

**Author's Note:**

Sensing trouble... Uh-oh... Thanks for James birdsong who gave the first review. Miss your review.

**Disclaimer:** AS usual.


	3. Trial

**Chapter 3: Trial**

* * *

'We can always go somewhere else if you **don't like **the taste or the place.'

Nokoru was startled. He was not really paying attention of his surrounding, was he? Idomu had been observing him since the first time they got into this five-stars-restaurant, took their reserved seats, and made the order. Usually, Nokoru would choose the menu for both of them. He would babble excitedly about the food they had to give a try, and would even order for Idomu a number of dishes which Idomu didn't feel to give them a try actually. But tonight was totally different. Since the first time Idomu picked him up in his office, Nokoru didn't say any word at all, he just quietly tidied up his work, and followed him without even saying good-bye to his secretary. Idomu could sense the intense between those two, but he didn't dare to ask what was wrong. Nokoru didn't even talk much during the trip, he only answered if Idomu asked him. Other than that, he remained silent.

'You **don't eat **that food at all. You just keep playing with it. If you don't like it, we can always go and find other place.' Idomu continued.

'Huh?' Seemed to realize what he had been doing, Nokoru put down his spoon awkwardly. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I like this place and the food was not that bad.'

'Is there something **troubling **you?'

Nokoru was stunned. Idomu could read him that easily, couldn't he? Slowly, he shook his head in disagreement. 'Nothing. **Nothing that mattered**.'

Idomu sighed. He knew it had been Nokoru's habit to keep everything to himself, and pretend that everything was alright for him. Even if he was about to die, Idomu believed he would say nothing wrong happened and would try his best to look alright.

'I was quite surprised you asked me out for a dinner today.' Idomu poured Nokoru the champagne. 'It's not usual for you to ask me out. Usually, it had been **me **who had the initiative to take you out.'

Nokoru replied him with a weak smile, 'Is it odd for me to ask an old friend of mine to take me to a dinner and catch things up?' He took a sip of his drink.

Idomu smiled in return and shook his head gently. 'You've **changed**, Nokoru-san.' He paused, thinking what he should say next. 'You've changed a lot. Especially after **your brother's dead**.'

Suddenly Nokoru felt his hands trembling, but he tried to conceal it as he quickly moved them away and hid them underneath the tablecloth. He diverted his gaze away from Idomu's eyes. 'It-It's just your opinion, I don't feel I've changed.' **An excuse**.

Idomu knew very well he would get that answer from his dear friend. 'I missed the old-time Nokoru, the one I left years ago.'

Nokoru returned his look to him. 'I don't miss the old-time Idomu, who fought with me.' He smiled.

For a moment, Idomu was amazed, but then he laughed instantly. 'You still **remembered**? I thought we've put it behind.'

Nokoru smiled wider. **'I did**. I just feel like teasing you.'

Idomu shook his head in amusement. Nokoru never had lost his ability in arguing. 'No, Nokoru, I mean it. **You've changed a lot**.' He paused, giving the blonde a chance to reply his words, but he received any. 'You look terrible recently.'

'Huh?' Nokoru's eyes were widened. 'Am I? I dressed up earlier…'

'I don't mean your outfit. It is as **perfect **as always. You're after all an **Imonoyama**. What I mean is your….' He paused, unsure what he had to say. 'Anyway, for someone who don't know you well, you are alright, but if they know you pretty well, they can tell that **something **wrong with you…. **Everything **is wrong with you.'

'And you **assume **you know me that well, Idomu-san?' Nokoru replied firmly.

Idomu was quite startled to hear the question. He was a loss of word for a moment.

Nokoru could see the surprise look on his friend's face that he regretted having to ask the question. He knew Idomu just meant well. He was worried about him. But lately, he got sick of everyone's over attention towards him, especially **Suoh's**. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say harsh words. It's just… there's a lot happening to me in past years, and I got to admit, there were times I really wanted to give up, and my brother's dead was…. was more than I can take actually…' Nokoru's voice changed, as if he was about to let a cry out once more. But he knew very well, he didn't want to cry again. He grew tired of crying and taking a pity of himself, and he didn't want to sob, definitely not in a public place like this, and in front of his friend. **'I cannot change the time**, can I?'

Idomu shook his head slowly. 'Even if you **can**, what would you change?'

**'My identity**.' Nokoru's sharp answer surprised Idomu.

'What do you mean?' He asked carefully. 'Your **identity**?'

**'Yes**.'

'You mean you **don't want to be Nokoru**?' Puzzled.

'No…' He smiled weakly. 'I am **Nokoru**. I just don't want to be an **Imonoyama**. If I could change the past, I don't want to be born as an Imonoyama. I just want to be **an ordinary man**.'

'You're telling me you **regret **being what you are now?'

Nokoru just smiled. Yes, he remembered it was the topic he used to fight with his late brother, Owaru. He remembered how mad Owaru was at him for saying those words, and that his brother slapped him right in the face to make him realize how wrong it was. Even though, it was not a pleasant memory, Nokoru preferred it happen again, that his brother could slap him time and again. He wouldn't mind being hit by him, if Owaru could stay alive and well. But now, he was dead. He missed him a lot. Now that he had gone, what for he continued the **Campus**? He made it for his brother's sake, to fulfill his unreachable dream. With his death, he questioned everything in his life now. **His life's purpose for sure**.

'Even if I did regret it, I can't really change anything, can I?' He smiled weakly and sighed. 'I can't really change **who I am**. Nor **what I am**. No matter how much I dislike it, I can't change the fact that I'm an Imonoyama.** Even after I'm dead, I'm still going to be an Imonoyama**.' He paused. 'Pathetic reality, isn't it, Idomu-san?'

Idomu was a little stunned to hear Nokoru's response. He could sense the terrible desperation in the blonde's answer, but he couldn't blame him, could he? It was totally improper for him to criticize Nokoru for his despair. If it was someone else, Idomu might want to slap him or her to make them realize what they were talking about. So… he simply shook his head in silence, disagreeing his dear friend's words.

'I really don't know what to say, Nokoru-san. But I know one thing for sure. If you were not **YOU**, perhaps I won't know you. Perhaps we'll never know each other, and I don't like that for sure.' He stared intensely to his friend's blue eyes. 'I want us to be friends, and if you were not **YOU**, we might not be friends at all, and…'

'And perhaps, **it will be better for YOU**…' Nokoru cut his words in a sudden.

Idomu's was shocked. 'What do you mean? **You don't want me to be your friend**?'

Nokoru shook his head. 'Don't you see, Idomu? If I never met you, you will not have to feel the **misery **losing your mother's attention. You will have all your mother's attention and smile only for you. You don't have to feel the unnecessary pain that I caused for you.'

Now Idomu understood what Nokoru was thinking._ /He always finds a way to blame himself, doesn't he?/_

'Idomu-san… Don't you get it? I'm a **jinx**. I brought trouble to the ones who are close to me. My family, my friends…. And even my teachers….' He chuckled. Suddenly, a memory of Ms. Sakuya's death in his arms crossed his mind. A pool of tears rapidly gathered on his beautiful eyes.

Idomu took a pity of his friend. Yudaiji might not be as rich as the Imonoyama, but he could feel the **loneliness **having to grow up as a wealthy child. He couldn't be friend with anyone he liked, because there was **wariness **that his "_**friends**_" only wanted to make use of him. And he admitted that there were times he couldn't help thinking in negative ways, but it was still very wrong even for him to let Nokoru think in this way. Nokoru couldn't think himself as a jinx. Someone who brought **curse **to others, could he?

'Nokoru-san…. Please don't ever think in that way. No one… I'm sure **NO ONE **would ever think that way towards you-'

'But it's the **truth**, Idomu-san! How many other proofs that I have to show you that it's true that I'm a ji-'

'Look!** STOP IT, NOKORU!**' Idomu couldn't help not to raise his voice. His sudden loud voice in the quiet restaurant instantly drew attention to both of the men. In a minute, every guest turned to look at them, expecting the next word or shout that might come from the same man.

Nokoru was shocked to get scolded by Idomu. He directly **muted **himself. After few moments, the other people lost their interest to the men's conversation and began to get busy by themselves. Idomu regretted his action eventually, since it made Nokoru stay silent for a long time for sure and closed himself again. But he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand the despair in Nokoru's words. How he missed Nokoru's cheerfulness in the past. Both of them stayed in silence for a while.

Nokoru really felt **guilty**. He had disappointed his friend for sure now. His only friend… his last friend perhaps…. 'I'm sorry…. I-' He felt very difficult to speak now. 'I think I have to leave now…. I'm sorry to make your night unpleasant, Idomu-san….' He stood up and prepared to leave when he felt Idomu reached his arm and stopped him from moving away.

'Nokoru-san, please don't go…. I apologize for being harsh, but **please stay a little while**.' Idomu forced him to sit back.

Having no other choice and not wanting Idomu to get disappointed, Nokoru returned to his seat obediently and quietly.

Idomu sighed. 'I'm sorry, but I **really don't like the way you feel about yourself**.'

Nokoru stayed quiet. He looked down trying to avoid Idomu's eyes.

'Nokoru…. Please **look at me**…..'

Nokoru didn't move, as if he couldn't hear what Idomu just said.

'Look… I'm really sorry-'

'No, it's okay, Idomu-san…' He lifted his face slowly. **'I'm used to it nowadays….**'

'What?' Idomu was puzzled. 'What do you mean?'

'I know I did **wrong **to lots of people, especially to those who stayed close to me, like Akira… and Suoh…. I…. I know I am **disappointing**…. Suoh often gets mad at me because of this. So, it's… it's alright. I know it's not your fault. It's-** It's my fault anyway**. Please don't blame yourself.' Nokoru tried his best to put on his usual smile, but he couldn't. A single tear dropped across his cheek instead. He was really stressful for now. Somehow, no matter what he did or said was wrong.

Idomu was silent. 'Fine then.' He sighed. 'If life is very hard for you nowadays, if you cannot stand it anymore being an Imonoyama, then… **Marry me.**'

Idomu's last sentence surprised Nokoru very much. He gazed to Idomu's eyes disbelievingly. Was this some kind of a _**joke**_? Was Idomu trying to _**tease**_ him again? But he could sight a deep **seriousness **in his eyes and expression. Idomu really meant it, did he?

'Are you **serious**? Idomu-san, please **don't joke with this kind of matter**.'

'I'm not. I'm **SERIOUS**. **MARRY ME**.' No smile, no laughter, no teasing look on his face. **'Marry me**, so you can change your family name into a Yudaiji. We'll go away from this place, back to my residence in France. You leave everything behind, and we'll never come back.'

Nokoru was stunned with the idea, as if he was paralyzed. **_Could it be that simple?_** He just needed to get married, move away and disappear. He didn't need to **worry** of anything, did he?

'I- I don't know what to say… I-'

'You can say **YES**.' Idomu really hoped he would get that answer from Nokoru, but he knew it wouldn't be that easy. He could sense doubt in those blue eyes. 'Or maybe you **can't leave **what you have now, can you? Your home, your **wealth**-'

'It's not about **money**, Idomu-san. You know very well that **I'm not that kind of person**.'

Idomu felt Nokoru was offended. 'I'm sorry if I offend you. But what else makes you **troubled**? The family that you rarely meet? Or perhaps…. You don't want to leave your **ninja bodyguard **behind? Or…. **You're actually in love with him.'**

Nokoru felt his face started to burn. 'No! No! It's not **THAT**! I- I-' Nokoru was **panic**. But he didn't know why he was panicking for sure. 'He's just my **friend**. We're just friends. **Nothing more**.'

Idomu smirked. He could tell that Nokoru was a terrible liar if it came to romance matter. 'Then what's the problem? Come with me. **Stay with me forever**. I can also protect you like Takamura always does. Or you can't **believe** me yet?'

Nokoru was motionless. **_Could he trust Idomu?_** He really wanted to trust in **someone**. He really wanted to trust someone so much. Someone to whom he could share his feeling freely, someone who would accept him the way he was, someone whom he could enjoy time together without having to worry about his responsibility…. **Someone who was not like Suoh at all**. Nokoru felt a little **guilty** having a thought like this. He couldn't help thinking of Suoh in such a way. But he really had **forgotten** when the last time he could relax enjoying his time without Suoh had to force him back to work. There was time **he really hated Suoh**, but he dared not to against him.

'I can't just say **YES** this soon, Idomu-san. **I believe in you**. But it's a big **commitment**. It's not like you take me for a vacation and then return here again if we get bored. **Marriage is like a lifetime contract**, and I want to make sure-'

'That I'm the **right person**, is it, Nokoru-san?' Idomu gazed at him intensely.

Nokoru was speechless for few seconds. 'I- I don't mean that. I just….' He shook his head trying to make his mind clearer at the moment. 'I just need some **time**. There are so many things happen recently.' Owaru's death, Amaru's getting married, and now… **THIS**. 'I just need to make sure that I'm staying with you **not as escapism**. I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling anymore, Idomu-san. Especially **YOURS**.'

Idomu stared into the blue eyes and was quite satisfied to get the feeling that Nokoru was telling him the truth. 'Fine then. **I'll wait for your answer**. Believe me that to me, you're the **only** person I've ever** fallen in love with**. No one else, **but you**. So I'll **wait** no matter how long it will take to get the answer from you.'

* * *

_**Imonoyama's Residence**_

The dinner was ended with a **proposal** from Idomu. Having said good night to each other, Nokoru went down from Idomu's car and headed to his residence main door. He could sight Idomu's car waiting for him until he managed to enter and just leaving when he had closed the door for sure. But to his surprise, there was **someone** who had been waiting for him since then in the guest room. And that person was no other than – **SUOH**.

**'Where have you been?**' A dislike tone could be heard in his sentence.

Nokoru didn't say anything to respond. Quietly he took off his coat and hung it in the closet.

Suoh moved himself closer to Nokoru. 'I'm asking you…. **Where have you been?**'

Nokoru was scared actually, but he tried his best not to show his fear. 'We just went out for a dinner. **That's all**.' He explained briefly.

'Until this **late**?' Suoh continued investigating.

Nokoru knew very well, whatever answer he gave, Suoh would **dislike** it anyway, so he didn't feel it was necessary to explain the detail anyway. 'Suoh, I'm really tired. I need to take some rest, can we discuss it **tomorrow**?'

Suoh was in **rage**. Harshly, he grabbed Nokoru's wrist and pulled it. Nokoru winched as he could feel the tight grasp paining his wrist. **'What did you say?** Do you know **how long **I've been waiting for you tonight? I tell you that I'm tired as well, but I tried to stay up and wait until you come home.** Don't you know that I'm worried about you?'**

Nokoru was silent. He was too **scared** to answer.

'You're **having fun **with him out there, did you ever think that I'm here **lonely** waiting for you?'

Nokoru was really terrified now. He really wanted to run away to his bedroom and hide there. He had to release himself from Suoh's tightening grasp. 'I didn't ask you to wait for me. You can always have some rest if you want. **I didn't force you to-**'

Nokoru couldn't continue as he could see Suoh raised his hand and was about to give him **a slap on his face**. He winched and prepared himself to duck from it. But Suoh managed to get a hold of himself. Nokoru's body was **shivering** severely in Suoh's grip.

Realizing what he was trying to do to his One, Suoh slowly lowered his hand, **panting** for having to hold his rage. Nokoru was really testing his **patience** nowadays. He almost lost his self-control and might almost **hurt** his One as well. Suoh freed his grasp and pushed Nokoru away so he might not hurt him further. The blonde was too shock to move now. Slowly he took a seat on the couch, feeling sick and cold at the same time. His face was as pale as the snow, perhaps felt like one too. **Never in his life, Suoh wanted to hit him**. No matter how _'naughty'_ he was, Suoh was still patient. **He must have hurt him a lot this time.**

'Nokoru…. I- I really don't know what to say. Perhaps both of us need a rest. I'm **sorry**. I'll take you to your room now.' Suoh could see Nokoru was trembling all over.

Nokoru didn't answer anything in return. He couldn't move at all. Slowly **tears** flowing down from his eyes. Suoh felt very bad having to make Nokoru in tears again.

'I'm sorry. I- I don't mean to hurt you. **Please stop crying**.' Suoh knelt in front of Nokoru and gave him a hug. 'Please **forgive** me. I didn't mean to hurt you.'

Nokoru shook his head. 'I have **something** to tell you.' He whispered.

Suoh let go of his hug and gazed to him. 'What is it?'

'I….** I am going away**….'

Suoh was puzzled. He was unsure he understood what Nokoru meant.

'Idomu-san asked me to **MARRY **him.'

Suoh widened his eyes in shock.

'And I… I think I'm going to say **YES**.'

_To be continued._

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note:**

Have fun reading! Can feel the troubles coming... Thanks for all the review you gave me. Appreciate those who were willing to spend some time to give me review. T_T Sorry for the late posting. Been very busy lately. Thank you for waiting... If you want me to write faster, please write me a review (hohohohoho...) Just kidding!


	4. Uncertainty

**Chapter 4: Uncertainty **

* * *

'You are **WHAT**?' Suoh raised his voice disbelievingly.

'I-' Nokoru found it was very hard for him to say his answer, since he could feel the **rage** that coming from the golden eyes glaring at him at the moment. 'I am getting **MARRIED**.'

Suoh stood up in a sudden and moved himself away. It was obvious he looked stressed now. 'I can't believe this. I can't believe what you've just said! **I can't believe you're doing this to ME!**' Anger.

Poor Nokoru stayed on his seat trembling greatly. Truthfully, he too didn't understand why he had to tell Suoh about this matter in the first place. But somehow… somehow, he wanted to say it. He wanted to know how Suoh's reaction would be. Suoh had to be very angry to him now. Definitely. Deep in his heart, he also wondered whether he did this on purpose… he was just getting sick of everything, and Idomu's promise to take him away forever was so **attempting**. Idomu was the only person that promised to free him… free him from the hell he created himself. He knew very well he was acting so selfish. He knew very well he was going to hurt Suoh deeply. But perhaps, it would be better for both of them. Suoh didn't need him. He didn't need him to make his life more miserable. Suoh didn't need to take care of him anymore. If he got married with Idomu, Suoh… Suoh would be **free**… free from him. Suoh might be able to return to his old love – **Nagisa**. He could have a normal life. **Unlike his life**. Suoh didn't have to have him as his 'One' anymore. He could do anything he wanted in his life with someone who loved him dearly. Someone who could give him a happily ever after ending. And Nokoru knew very well that '**someone**' was definitely **NOT him**. So, even though it was going to be hurt for both of them, he would take the chance. Eventually, it would the best way for him and… his dear SUOH.

Having the thought swirling inside his mind, Nokoru took a deep breath and prepared his courage to face what would happen soon. He could sight the person he loved the most stood in front of him, and there was nothing could break his heart more than having to see Suoh feel so stressful and… lonely. He really wanted so much to get up and came to him, but he couldn't. He was too scared to do that. The only thing he wanted to do now was to get up and run to his bedroom, a place where he could hide safe and sound. But to be able to do that, he had to survive from Suoh's rage.

After some time they spent in a terrible silence, Suoh managed to take control of himself and glared back to Nokoru. 'Fine. If it is your decision. Just tell me, **why do you want to marry him?**'

Nokoru didn't answer him. Instead, he stood up and moved towards the stairs to his bedroom. He really didn't want to tell Suoh why. Because he also was not sure why. By now, it seemed that it was the only thing he could do… the only thing he had to do. **For the sake of both of them**. He was just tired. Tired of everything. **Tired of his own life as well.** He was about to leave Suoh behind and climb the stairs before Suoh's strong grip forced him to stop.

'Where are you going? Don't you know I'm asking you? Can't you hear me?' He repeated himself impatiently.

Nokoru could feel the pain on his arm because of Suoh's grasp, but he tried his best to bear it. He really wanted to hear the answer, didn't he? Halfheartedly, he looked back at the persistent golden eyes that had been searching for an answer since then. Nokoru had forgotten how he used to love to stare at those eyes. The strong eyes that made him fall in love in the first sight. It was **unfair** actually. The world had been unfair to him. The moment he fell in love, the person he fell in love with left him for someone else. When he had succeeded to convince himself that he had given up loving him, that person returned to him. And now… **again**, he had to let him go…. **Life was playing a joke on him.**

'Nokoru!** Answer me!**'

Nokoru could hear Suoh's demanding voice. He took a deep breath and sighed. 'Why do you need to know? **It won't change anything.**'

Suoh shook his head hard. '**NO**. I need to know why you choose **HIM** instead of **ME**.'

Nokoru was a loss of words.

'**Is he much better than I am?** What has he done for you? Has he done so much more than I have? Where was he when you needed someone the most?'

Nokoru was still silent.

'Wake up, Nokoru! Can you see it? He was not there! He never was! He-'

'**And neither did you, Suoh…**' Nokoru answered almost like a whisper. But, it was still crystal clear in Suoh's ears. Suoh disbelieved what he just heard.

'What? Is that what you think of me? After all this time?' Suoh felt he was about to lose his temper very soon. He pulled Nokoru roughly to get him closer and hold both of his arms even tighter than before. Nokoru winched feeling the intense pain growing on both of his arm. But it was the least he feared of. He was really terrified that Suoh would hurt him even more. 'Don't tell me after all that I've done for you, **NOTHING that mattered to you! NOTHING!'**

Suoh really lost his temper and his mind. He was really hopeless to make Nokoru understand how he really felt about him. Now, at this moment, he only wanted to make Nokoru understand… understand how deep his love for him. But it seemed **impossible**. Something somehow had successfully blocked the blonde's eyes and mind to see his true love towards him.

'Suoh….' Nokoru plead as his body trembled harder. 'Please let me go. I'm really tired. I need to have a rest. Can we talk about this tomorrow?'

Suoh was muted. He was still holding Nokoru's arm tightly as if he never intended to let it go no matter what. It was just hard for him to be able to understand the whole scenes. He didn't understand what went so wrong in their relationship from the moment Nokoru confessed his fear towards him. But if truth to be told, he was scared to admit that Nokoru thought that he was a dangerous threat to him, and it made him take the decision to leave and marry other guy. If it was possible, he wanted to shake Nokoru so hard and snap him to make him realize the foolishness he had now. How could this be happening?

Feeling distressed and tired at the same time, slowly he released his grasp. Suoh sighed and took a couple of footsteps away from Nokoru and said, 'Fine. Go get your rest. I won't bother you anymore tonight.'

Nokoru nodded weakly. 'Thank you. I appreciate it.' He was about to continue climbing the stairs to the second level when suddenly Suoh called him again.

'Nokoru?'

He stopped. 'Yes?'

'**Have you made your mind about this?**'

There was a distance pause before Suoh could get the answer.

'I don't know. Suoh.** I really don't know.**'

'Then…' Suoh carefully picked his words. 'Do you really **want** this? The **marriage** with him, I mean…'

Another long pause.

The blonde sighed. 'Perhaps… **Yes**.'

The answer was short, but it was enough to **hurt Suoh's feeling**.

'Fine then. I understand. I promise **I won't stand in your way**. If it makes you **happy** by marrying him, I… **I don't mind**. I'm sorry to bother. Good night, then.'

Suoh bowed down and turned himself around. He took his coat from the closet and opened the door, trying to flee from the place as soon as possible. Even though Nokoru didn't see him getting out, he could hear the door closed behind him and sense Suoh's absence from the mansion.

Nokoru could feel the tears he had been trying to hold had finally made their way down from the corner of his eyes.

Tomorrow would be a new beginning for them. But little did he know that **the journey would be a lot more painful** for him and all the ones he loved.

**Life has many surprises.**

To be continued –

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Yup. The roller coaster is starting and it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Hold on everybody. Got the plot ready on my scribble papers. But it's not that easy in the process, especially adding the detail. **Please read & review to support my writing mood.** T_T… Thank you!


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